So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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