I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
