Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
