Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
