You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
