FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
BRING THE BAGELS
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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