My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
