I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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