You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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