Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
