Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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