i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
