Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
