"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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