Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
