I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Randomize
