My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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