your parents love me but you hate me
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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