Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
