Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
