listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
This toilet bowl is my home.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
