Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
