Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
