So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
