I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
