Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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