i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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