Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
