I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
