there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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