Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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