This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
