I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
