Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
