He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
