Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
