I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
