you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
