I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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