I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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