I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
