When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
