I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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