idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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