I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
