My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
