did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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