my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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