so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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