If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
