I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
