it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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