my phone needs a breathalizer
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
