Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
