my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Ketchup is God's man juice
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
