His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
