im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
