Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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