I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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