Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Let's paint friendship bongs
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
