Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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